


99 Problems

by Remy_Writes5



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, And Sass, Banter, Chases, Fluff, Grocery Shopping, M/M, Smut, lots of running
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-19
Updated: 2013-04-19
Packaged: 2017-12-08 21:41:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/766328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remy_Writes5/pseuds/Remy_Writes5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When John is doing his weekly trip to Tesco, he gets an unexpected shopping buddy in the form of the world's only Consulting Criminal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	99 Problems

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Mmmmmolly on Tumblr for our Johniarty giveaway. I am so completely sorry this took me so long. I hope you enjoy it anyway!
> 
> Thanks to Lunavere for the speedy beta on this and for pushing me to work when I had absolutely no motivation to do anything. You're amazing!

John Watson got his groceries on Thursdays after work. It was, in his opinion, the best time to get the shopping. It meant having fresh food for the weekend and leftovers for the week. He was fairly certain this was common knowledge for anyone who knew him. Sherlock in particular enjoyed texting him Thursday morning in order to remind him to get certain items at the store. Usually, they were ludicrous things like a bottle of bleach and a live lobster that John begrudgingly added to his trolley.

This particular Thursday, John had not received a single text from Sherlock, which usually meant he had a case. John didn’t necessarily mind as it meant that he was free to buy whatever he wanted. It also meant he wouldn’t get strange looks from employees and other customers. He was going through the fresh fruit and vegetable section and had just put a bag of apples into his trolley when someone made an indignant sounding noise behind him. John assumed he was blocking someone’s way and moved a bit to the side. The noise was made again, and this time John turned to see who was making it.

“Sorry, mate,” John said before the words died on his lips. “What are you doing here?”

“Getting my shopping. What does it look like?” Jim Moriarty shot back, waving a screwdriver in John’s face.

“What are you going to do with that?” John asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “Impale me with it?”

“Nothing quite so sinister.” Jim smirked and leaned against the display of apples. “Honestly, John, you think I’m so unimaginative that I would just impale you with a screwdriver in the middle of Tesco’s?”

“Well, it would be unexpected.” John shrugged and grabbed hold of his trolley again.

“It would be, wouldn’t it?” Jim said, turning the screwdriver in his hand and looking at it ponderingly.

“This is been such fun. Let’s never do it again,” John joked as he pushed his trolley away from the consulting criminal. He got three steps away when he heard Moriarty start to follow him. “What are you doing?” John called over his shoulder.

“I thought I might tag along and see how the other half lives,” Jim answered with a grin. He put the screwdriver in John’s trolley and started to walk along side him.

“Do you really have nothing better to do with your time?” John inquired with a raised eyebrow.

“Even I have days off, John.”

As they walked together down the aisles, Moriarty continued putting things into the trolley. John didn’t notice at first, busy getting his own things off his list. When he noticed a few stray items in his cart, he stopped and turned towards Moriarty accusingly. “Oi, what are you doing?” John asked, picking up a bag of marshmallows that Jim had just thrown into the cart.

Jim shrugged. “I like them.”

“I don’t give a flying fuck about what you like. This trolley is _mine,_ and it is going to _my_ flat. A place where you neither live nor frequent.”

“You never know, Johnny-boy. I might frequent your flat more often than you think,” Jim said enigmatically as he wiggled his eyebrows.

“I don’t care if you sneak into my flat, I’m not leaving sweets out for you like you’re Father Christmas,” John snapped and put the marshmallows away. He grabbed the trolley and stormed off, only to hear the clicking of Moriarty’s expensive shoes behind him.

“Stop following me!” John shouted, getting more than a few glances from people in the shop.

“What fun would that be?” Jim asked with a smirk. He reached over and ruffled John’s hair. “You’re cute when you’re angry.”

John groaned and kept going, shaking his head and muttering under his breath. He assumed he wasn’t about to give Moriarty the slip. As they went through the shop, each putting things into the trolley, John went from annoyed to acceptant rather quickly.

John left the trolley with Jim as he went to go get some shaving cream. When he came back, he found Jim looking innocent and whistling as if nothing were wrong. John narrowed his eyes suspiciously and looked into the trolley. “A box of one hundred condoms?” John asked, looking at Jim incredulously. “Either you are extremely delusional or just really optimistic,” John told him, putting his hands on his hips.

Jim took a few steps forward so they were face to face, their noses practically touching. “I consider it a long term investment.”

John chuckled. “Is that supposed to work on me? Is this the point where I’m meant to swoon?”

“I got lubricant, too,” Jim said softly as he reached up and started stroking the hair at the nape of John’s neck.

“That’s thoughtful.”

“I can be that, on occasion.”

“Is this the point where I’m meant to fall into your arms?”

“If you’d like.”

John reached back and grabbed Jim’s wrist, removing his hand and stepping away from him. “Thanks, but no thanks,” John said as he turned and started pushing the trolley away.

Jim walked forward and placed his hands over John’s on the bar of the trolley, forcing them to walk in step with each other with Jim pressed against John. “Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.”

“I really haven’t.”

“We’d have such fun,” Jim murmured against John’s ear.

“You and I would be a disaster,” John shot back. He tried to push Jim away but Moriarty’s grip was strong. “Besides, aren’t you the guy who kidnapped me and tried to blow me up?”

“Like I said – fun.”

“That was not fun.” John turned his head and scowled at Jim.

Jim slid his hands down and wrapped his arms around John’s waist. “What would you call fun then?”

“Not getting blown up?”

“Boring!”

“That’s right, I forgot who I was talking to.” John rolled his eyes. “Will you please let go of me? People are staring.”

“Am I making you uncomfortable, Johnny?”

“Very.”

“Fine then.” Jim pulled away but continued walking next to the trolley. Grinning mischievously, he got onto the front end of the trolley and held on.

“Will you get off?” John growled. “I can’t see where I’m going.”

“I’m aware.”

“For fuck’s sake, you’re worse than a five-year-old.”

Jim stuck out his tongue in response.

“I’m just going to let go of the trolley and watch you fall over,” John warned, lifting his hands up slightly. Jim instantly jumped off and glared at John unhappily.

“Spoil sport.”

John ignored him and continued shopping. Jim continued putting things in the trolley that John didn’t want or need. Jim raided the sweets aisles, putting in packs of jelly babies and mars bars along with five different types of biscuits. John decided it wasn’t worth arguing over and just kept going through his list. It was a strange sort of thing, doing something so simple and ordinary as shopping with Jim Moriarty, of all people.

When they’d finished and the trolley was full, John made sure to skip the self-checkout. “You’re paying for your things,” John informed Jim as he unloaded the trolley.

“Fine.” Jim shrugged. “In fact I’ll pay for all of it.”

“Why would you do that?” John eyed him suspiciously.

“It’ll take too long to separate my things from yours.” Jim reasoned as he helped put things on check out.

“Actually, I think it would be quite easy. Just separate all the sensible things from the silly things, and I think you’d have it,” John teased, crossing his arms over his chest. It was quite novel, watching Jim unloading groceries. “Besides, we’re going to have to do that anyway.”

“Not if you come home with me,” Jim said suggestively as he winked at John.

“Yeah like that’s ever going to happen.”

“I didn’t get to the position I’m in by being unconvincing,” Jim shot back. He pulled out his credit card and paid for the shopping. They both grabbed a few of the bags and carried them outside. John was looking to hail a cab when he noticed a man heading towards them.

“Uh, Jim, there seems to be a very large and intimidating looking man heading right for us.”

Jim looked over and his eyes widened slightly. “Yeah about that… you might want to run.”

“What?”

“Run!” Jim dropped his bags on the sidewalk.

“The shopping!” John leaned down to retrieve the bags only to have Jim grab his arm and pull him away.

“Leave it,” Jim said sternly before taking off. John glanced down at the bags and then up towards the angry man who was getting very close. John debated for a moment before he abandoned his own shopping on the sidewalk and took off after Jim. He caught up with him and they darted through alleys together, trying to outrun their chaser.

Jim ducked behind a skip and pulled John down with him. “Any time you feel like telling me what the hell is going on,” John hissed quietly.

“Member of the Russian mob. He wanted my help with a little problem, and I refused. It seems he’s out for blood now,” Jim explained in hushed tones, peeking around the skip for their Russian friend.

“Why did you turn him down?”

“I don’t deal in human trafficking.”

“Yeah right, like you have any sort of integrity.”

“I have standards,” Jim said loftily, fixing his tie. “Besides, it’s always messy. That’s one business I have no problem staying out of.”

“Where as blowing up buildings with people inside is so clean,” John scoffed with a roll of his eyes.

“I think he’s gone, come on.” Jim slid out from behind the skip. John instantly started off in the opposite direction. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going back to get my shopping if any of it is still there and then I’m going home.”

“Will you just forget about your damn shopping?” Jim grabbed John’s arm again and shoved him against the wall.

“Don’t touch me again,” John warned with a growl.

“Or what?” Jim challenged, stepping closer. They stared each other down, both of them breathing heavily from the run. John met Jim’s gaze defiantly but couldn’t help noticing the air was thick with tension. Jim licked his lips, and John subconsciously mirrored the action. Jim smirked and moved closer still.

“Whatever you’re thinking, the answer is no.”

“You don’t know what I’m thinking.”

“I bet I can guess.”

“Bet you can’t.”

Their conversation was cut short as John looked in his peripherals and saw the Russian making his way back towards them. “Shit,” John cursed and took off running again, belatedly realizing that Jim was not behind him. Groaning, John turned back around and found Jim in the same spot. “What the hell are you doing? You can’t fight him that guys the size of a bus.”

“I’m not going to fight him. I’m going to reason with him.”

“Does he look to be a reasonable sort of chap?” John bit out.

“Just get going, Doctor. I can handle this.”

“Fine.” John took a few steps away from Jim and then stopped. Although he hated himself for it, he turned around and walked back. Without a word, he grabbed Jim, threw him over his good shoulder, and carried him away. When they got to a fire escape, John plopped Jim down and shoved him up the steps. “Get going. Come on,” John urged him, following him up. When they got up the first flight, John pulled the ladder up, making it so their chaser couldn’t follow them. “Keep going,” John instructed as they continued up the fire escape.

“That was quick thinking,” Jim praised when they got to the top, both of them out of breath.

“Well, I wouldn’t have had to think quickly if you hadn’t been standing there like a moron,” John snapped back, resting his hands on his knees as he gulped in air.

Jim grinned at him and ruffled John’s hair. “I think you had fun.”

“And I think you’re a menace,” John replied, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. “Not to mention I lost _all_ my shopping because of you.”

“I’ll buy you new shopping.”

“If you were to buy my food for the week, I’d have nothing but condoms and sweets.”

“Sex and candy sounds like a good weekend to me.” Jim shrugged, fixing his clothes.

In spite of himself, John chuckled, and Jim soon joined in. “You’re insane.” John shook his head and stood up straight, having gotten his breath back.

“That is the popular theory, yes,” Jim agreed with a smirk. He took a step towards John and slid his hand around to rest on the small of John’s back.

“What are you doing?” John asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m insane, remember?” Jim responded, taking a step closer to John so their breath mingled. “Do I need a reason?”

John felt a bit lightheaded. It was probably just from all the running. “I suppose not,” John answered with a soft smile. When Jim leaned forward slightly, John leaned in to meet him, their lips pressing together in a gentle kiss. The kiss quickly turned insistent as Jim licked his way into John’s mouth, fucking his mouth with his tongue. Not to be outdone, John started undressing Jim, undoing his tie and tugging it off.

Jim chuckled against the kiss and pulled away long enough to tug John’s jumper off. John wasn’t sure how, but he ended up lying on the roof, shirtless, stuck under the onslaught of Jim Moriarty’s mouth and tongue. John groaned and arched into him, getting to work on Jim’s shirt buttons.

Jim reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom and a small squeeze bottle of lube, dropping them onto John’s chest before starting to undo his trousers. “Buying those condoms doesn’t seem like such a dumb idea anymore, huh?” Jim asked with a smug little smirk.

“You couldn’t save any of my shopping but you managed to grab those?” John asked, narrowing his eyes in annoyance.

“You have your priorities, I have mine. “ Jim shrugged, tugging John’s trousers down, letting them pool by his shoes. He put his mouth on John’s cock, licking him through his underwear. John moaned and sunk his fingers into Jim’s hair as his cock was teased. Jim pulled away and blew on the wet fabric, making John’s dick twitch in interest.

Jim tucked his fingers into the waistband of John’s pants and slid them down his legs, letting them pool with the rest. Jim toed off his shoes and kicked his clothes off so he could spread his legs for Jim.

“Eager, are we?” Jim teased, placing his hands on John’s thighs.

“Considering you tried to seduce me at a Tesco’s, I’d say you’re no better,” John shot back.

“Fair enough,” Jim conceded, grabbing the lubricant from John’s chest and slicking up his middle three fingers. He massaged the pad of his middle finger in a circle over John’s hole until it unclenched and opened for him. Dropping his mouth down to John’s inner thighs, he started sucking love bites onto John’s skin as his finger slid inside his body.

John bit his bottom lip at the strange sensation of being filled. It had been a long time since he’d done anything like this. Jim pumped his finger in and out of John’s body as he littered John’s inner thighs with bruises. John needed something to hold on to but the only thing available was Jim. He gripped Jim’s shoulders as a second finger and then a third breached his body.

Jim brought his mouth up to John’s balls, taking one into his mouth and sucking it gently, his tongue doing teasing little flicks. John was so hard, his cock begging for attention. Jim moved his mouth to the other testicle, and John practically sobbed with need, his cock leaking freely onto his stomach.

“Tell me, John, how do you like it? Fast and rough? Sweet and gently? A combination of the two?” Jim asked as he pulled his hand out, undid his trousers and rolled the condom onto his cock.

“I don’t know. I’m not usually on this end of things.” John replied honestly, watching Jim slick up his prick.

“I’ll just have to improvise then,” Jim said, lining them and pushing inside John’s body. John groaned as his body was stretched, not quite sure if he liked it or not. He wrapped his legs around Jim and waited. Jim braced his hands on the roof on either side of John’s head and began to move. John winced at the first few thrusts, but slowly his body relaxed, getting used to the feeling of being penetrated.

Jim set a pace, thrusting deep inside John. He circled his hips, and one thrust hit John perfectly. “Oh, fuck!” John cried out, arching off the roof. “Oh, fuck, Jim! Right there. Right there,” John moaned as Jim attempted to hit that angle every time. John’s breathing became ragged, and he started moving down to meet Jim’s thrusts in, their bodies crashing together in loud slaps of skin on skin.

John was already getting close, feeling the beginning of his orgasm building. Jim began kissing his neck, and it just pushed him closer to the edge. “Touch yourself,” Jim said softly against ear.

John whimpered and nodded, snaking his hand down between their bodies and beginning to stroke himself. John threw his head back and shouted, “Fuck!” as his orgasm overtook him, and he came onto his stomach. Jim groaned as he witnessed John’s orgasm, and in a few more thrusts, he was following him, biting down on John’s good shoulder to muffle his orgasm.

Jim pulled out and dropped onto the roof next to John. He pulled off the condom, tying it off and throwing it across the roof. “Charming,” John said wryly as he tried to catch his breath. He reached down and pulled off one of his socks, using it to clean himself up a bit. He got dressed and shoved the soiled sock into his pocket to clean at home.

“Well, this was… strange,” John said honestly, not really sure what to say. He scratched the back of his head nervously.

“It’s okay, John. We both got what he wanted. No need to make small talk,” Jim said, putting his cock away.

“And just when I was beginning to think you weren’t a complete bastard…” John said sarcastically, crossing his arms over his chest.

“What gave you that impression?” Jim asked in jest. He walked over to John and captured his lips, kissing him hungrily for a few moments before pulling away. “I’ll be seeing you, Johnny.” Jim winked before heading towards the fire escape, his hands in his pockets, whistling as he went.

 

XXXX

 

John arrived home, still a bit dazed from his strange afternoon. He would have thought the whole thing was just a bizarre dream if he didn’t have a dull ache in his arse and a spunk-covered sock in his pocket. He immediately went to the fridge, realizing how famished he was. He wasn’t holding out much hope that there would be much but if he was lucky he could scrounge something together.

John opened the fridge to find it fully stocked with everything he had bought at the grocery store. Confused, John looked around the kitchen, and sure enough, everything he had bought was there and in its proper place. John hurried upstairs to his bedroom and found the box of condoms sitting on his bed with a note taped to the top. John smiled to himself and picked up the box to read the note.

 

_99 still to go! I’ll be in touch, Johnny!_

_XXX_

_-JM_


End file.
